M.S. is BS

August 30, 2024

If you have been reading the S&O saga, the Diagnosis Part 9 was just released. This is kind of a piggie back on part 9.

Just know that me talking about my disease is both difficult and uncomfortable. It's just simply a sore subject. Battling M.S. has been one of the biggest mind fucks I've ever experienced. It is so disheartening, sad, disappointing, aggravating, frustrating, depressing with some denial, grief, pain, discomfort sprinkled on top.... what else is there?

Silent self pity.

And as much as I try to not speak of it, leave it out of the media, and not wallow in that self pity.... sometimes I just break. Why? Why the fuck me??? The girl who built her life on manual labor, physical activity, busyness, nothing can stop me attitude. And here I am sitting in front of this computer, asking why do I feel this way today. The ebb and flow of emotions. The roller coaster of physical ability. The fight every. damn. day. The internal battle overwhelms at times taking away whatever joy I might have had that day.

But, I stop.

Dammit AJ! You are stronger than that.

Aren't you?

Maybe?

Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow. But yes, I am stronger than that. As I sigh when I say it to myself not being very convincing.

I don't even consider myself having a disability... But from a medical perspective, I do.

In my head though, I am not disabled. I am able. I don't ever want to beg for help or seek out pity. I don't want to use this disease for my benefit. At times I want to. And at times Nick and I joke that I should because at least I can get something good out of this stupid disease! But I would rather use it as a voice. Maybe uplifting those who too suffer from some stupid ass incurable disease.

I know its touche and I know you hear it all the time, but you are not alone. We are all on some stupid fucked up roller coaster that we call life. I do know that most everyone is suffering from something.... trauma, injury, loss, grief, disease, chronic illness and pain, depression, anxiety... sometimes all at once... the list never ends.

It's ok to feel. It's ok to be mad. It's ok to be disappointed. It's ok.

Just keep swimming. Take your time. Take the steps you need. Take the time to mourn. Don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel. Sit with it. Embrace the emotions that overtake you. Put your arms around them. And open it all up and see if it'll go. Breath....

and just sit with it.

-AJ

PS- comment, tell your story, get it out, we can sit with it together.