Things We Don't Talk About

Nov 23, 2025

Edit: It took me 4 months to post this....

This is a post I have wanted to talk about but also I struggle with it and I don't know why. It's almost like talking about a subject that no one wants to acknowledge? Maybe? I don't know.

But. This is about my weight. It's even hard for me to type that. But why?

I am gonna back up a bit. I've never had a weight problem before 2021. If ever I added a few pounds, I knew how to take it off. When I was about 21, I hit an all time high. I was 160. Which isn't terrible. AT. ALL. But it was to me.

I've always stayed within 130 to 140. When I saw that 160 while on a trip to my inlaws on a Thanksgiving morning, my heart stopped. And I said no more.

When I got home from the holiday trip, I changed it all. I was 21. Young and still vibrant. I started working out, I started baking my foods, no more fried, lots of veggies, bye bye to processed and did what you do when you want to be healthier. Simple stuff. It isn't rocket science, right? No. And it worked for 20 years.

The year I turned 41, I had made some other health conscience choices and changes for MS. And I quite smoking.

And I started gaining weight.

I knew how to lose it. But no matter what I did, I no longer could. I went to doctors, worked out for hours, adjusted my foods more, intermitent fasted, worked out some more, saw a nutritionist, fasted, ate healthy, heavily reduced gluten, dairy and legumes, all these things..... and no go. I gained.

I started feeling the pressure of my weight. Was it that, age or MS? I could barely cross my legs anymore. Sleeping was awful. I was so overweight that even laying down, my body would squish up into my neck and I would have trouble breathing easily. I would never be comfy. My muscles would lock and charlie horse. It was the MS right? Nothing fit. My clothes were so tight it caused back pain. But I was too proud to buy new clothes. And I was just left with Amazon clothes because I could not handle sitting in a fitting room in tears. I've thought back on one day when I was about 32 and I had an awards banquette to go to and I needed a dress. The dress I found that I loved was a size 4. And it fit. I still remember looking in the mirror in that dress.

By early 2025 I had no idea what size i was. But the pain the i was in put me where I was looking at a drastic change by having a breast reduction. I was desperate. I was in so much pain throughout the day that I would have to stop to lay down and stretch it out for more time than I had to spare. I was depressed and emotionally done. I cried every day. Even not being in a fitting room.

To prepare for the surgery, I had to have to bloodwork done. And low and behold, this was the first time my blood work came back with issues.

So In March of 2025 after the blood work, I was borderline high cholesterol, borderline diabetic and anemic.

I was furious. Even my husband said "you are one person I would never see as having high cholesterol."

So like that day back in my early 20's when I saw the scale say 160, it was like a punch to the gut and I knew I had to do something else. I knew that the way my body worked and processed everything over the last 20 years, wasn't working anymore. So what will?

Diabetes runs in my family. My mom had it. Her mom had it. I remember seeing my grandmother giving herself shots like it was nothing. She was the toughest woman I have ever met in my entire life. This was not going to be me.

They were both extremely over weight. I had just assumed after a couple years of failing with my weight that it was simply genetics. In my past I always used to say that nutrition was key, activity was secondary. For me.

The day I saw the bloodwork tell me I was prediabetic, I was done. No more sugar. No more.

The eye opening reality of it all was so crazy to me. Whats the suggested amount of sugar for an adult woman? For a man? Now look at how much you think you take in a day.

Yeah, I was like wait, why have I always rejected this idea. It's sooo simple. It was because I was so focused on my MS diet in certain areas, that I had deviated from when it came to with sugar because the whole lifestyle was so hard. But I wasn't looking at the whole picture. When that bloodwork hit me, I finally stepped back and looked at my life in a different perspective. Eliminate the sugar. Make a few changes. And see what happens.

What was so hard for me to accept was not only did I need to lose 48 lbs, but I had 48 lbs to lose. I mean, really just round it to 50. Screw it.

Within a week I saw loss.

Two weeks I felt loss.

I was down around 4 lbs. Or was I?

Yeah. Not much. But it was something.

I started seeing a difference in my overall emotional state. I stopped crying.

There began this huge shift.

I realized what I was doing after checking an ingredient label….

Carbs.

I was giving up carbs.

This was almost Keto wasn’t it?

I researched and researched.

So two weeks into taking my sugar down to less than 25 grams a day, I gave up my carbs as well which then led to maintaining that sugar removal.

At 8 lbs lost, one month in, I finally told my husband what I was doing. I still didn't believe it. I thought it was a fluke.

One month after that, I was down 16 lbs.

I was legit losing 8 lbs a month.

Maybe this was real.

I have a daily tally in my phone of my weights. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Since March 26, 2025, I have lost 36 lbs. Give or take on what day it is and how the day before went. But that 36 is pretty legit.

I am at a slow down now and I didn't make my goal, but I'm not far off and I am where I am ok with this weight. I still have a goal. I still have my sights on a number. And I have 12 lbs to go. I don't care if it takes me 6 months.

I can cross my legs now. I had to buy new clothes. Had to. I have old jeans that I got rid of. I can wear jeans again. My upper back pain has almost gone away. I am way more emotionally stable. I am more active. I can stand up from a squat without sounding like I'm dying. I can clasp my hands together comfortably. I sleep better. No more laying for hours trying to fall asleep. No more waking up at 3 am and not being able to fall back asleep. I can fold up in my chair now like I used to. I can bounce to and fro. I can walk easier. I can breath easier. There are so many things that i see and feel that make me go, Wow!! How did I allow that??

Its been a process. An emotional roller coaster. There’s an odd guilt. Like why is it so easy? Why was I so stubborn? Why didn’t I figure this out sooner?

When going to my chiropractor after about a 20 lbs loss, she stopped and said “wait did you lose weight?” And I said yeah… explained a little. And she told me that hearing my story and how I did it on my own with diet changes was a breath of fresh air. We’re in this trending phase of the shot that helps us lose weight and I’m not one of them. But even I felt the guilt of it even though it did it with diet. The guilt. It was too easy. And this slight change in my autoimmune diet and lifestyle I was already on, made all the difference in the world. It was easy. And that made me feel guilty. Like the guilty excuses that people who take the shot expel in their explanations of how and what’ they’ve done to make healthy changes. Maybe they did. Maybe they didn’t. But that I felt that guilt too. But why?

I felt this guilt of the ease and why didn’t I do this sooner? Why did I reject it? Because I just simply wasn’t ready to let go of what I was doing for my disease. I was coddling my disease but not me.

Now sitting here 36 lbs down, I now look at people who are overweight and I feel them. I feel their pain. I worry about how they look at me. Is it with envy? Jealousy? Disappointment? Hate? I spent so long with my weight being a major pain in my life that I looked at others with sorrow and tears. I looked at skinny people and it just made me sad. I was stuck. I was hopeless. I was at a loss. I gave up.

Now I look at life and others and the world in eyes that see both sides. I am thankful I’ve been where I’ve been. But I never never wanna go back. This may only be 36 lbs , but it feels like I’m back to being the old me. It’s not a lot to other I’m sure. But it’s sooooo much to me.

And I still feel guilty.

But also relief. Comfort. Stability.

I can breath again.

-AJ